


Listen

by rosalynbair



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Slow Build, anxiety attack, emotional breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 08:11:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13830066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosalynbair/pseuds/rosalynbair
Summary: You begin to notice changes in your lover, and when he finally breaks down from the pressure, you're there to listen





	Listen

The room was cold against your skin, a small draft coming in from the vent above the bed.   
It contrasted the unbearable warmth radiating from the large man that was curled up beside you. Your gaze slowly moves from the white vent grate to the dark mop of hair that rested on the pillow beside you. The tangles of the long tresses shortened it slightly.  
You found yourself trailing your fingertips up his arm to his bare, muscular shoulder. Tracing the dark scars gently. Your nail traced up one that curved along his neck and up into his hairline. You followed it still, letting your fingers twist into the soft, slightly oily strands.  
A soft sigh escaped Kylo as the pads of your fingers rubbed into his scalp, nails scratching softly every few moments.   
“I know you’re awake.” You mummer, staring at him in the darkness, his skin glowing as if illuminated. You didn’t turn onto your side to face him, keeping to laying on your back.   
You watched his ribs and shoulder lift with his breath, hearing it escaping through his nose. Kylo hadn’t spoken to you in a few days, allowing himself to brood and let his emotions fester within his stoic silence.   
The war he waged each day was shown to you in his eyes. You heard the panic at his decisions before bed each night, and when he awoke each morning. The rooms you shared had a permeant silence to them, you heard everything. You noticed each change the moment they happened. You heard how his heart picked up and began to race when he was in a deep thought that he couldn’t come out of by himself.   
Your fingers slowly released his hair, trailing back down his neck and shoulder. “I’m here to listen.” You say softly, slowly turning on your side to face his back. You know he felt you move.   
You lean in, your lips barely touching the scar on his shoulder. A scar he had gained from protecting you in a battle a few years prior. Kylo shifted away from you slightly, adjusting his hips to roll onto his stomach.   
“I love you.” You remind him, pulling away and turning back onto your back, bringing your knees up so your feet were flat on the bed, the sheet pulling up to leave your right leg bare to the cold air. Your eyes land back onto the vent, seeing the few pieces of string tied onto the middle bars blowing ever so slightly.   
Kylo never responded to your words, instead, you listened to his breathing slowly fall into a shaky rhythm.   
You stayed in your position until the morning, feeling right away when Kylo began to stir. Your eyes move, finding the time displayed in red on the datapad you had placed on the table.   
It was the early hours of the morning, but you could never really tell what time of the day it was anymore. There was no sun to rise or set. There were only the red numbers in each hall and room. It had taken you a long time to get through suffering of insomnia to regulate some form of schedule that worked with the times of the ship.  
Kylo shifted, rolling to his side while swinging his legs off of the bed. Your turn your head, watching him rise to sit on the edge, the sheet tangled around his waist and thighs. His large hand moved to the lamp on his table, tapping the base twice, it turned on to a dull glow.   
Kylo’s head dropped into his hands, his fingers rubbing at his sallow skin. You trail your eyes down his muscled back, categorizing each freckle and mark, each scar and bruise. You did this often, you’d be able to remember him always, if he were ever taken from you.   
He rose to his feet, dropping one arm to his side as the other raised to card his fingers through his knotted hair. You heard his grunt as one of the knots tore, a few strands of hair dangling from his fingers when they were released from the mess.   
He let them fall onto the floor, his footsteps surprising light for a man so large. He left the room, walking to the washroom that connected to your bedroom and sitting area.   
Your ears picked up the sound of the tap turning on, the light of the washroom bathing your body from the open doorway. You sat your stiff body up, moving off the bed with a slow ache moving throughout your muscles.   
You didn’t say anything to Kylo when he came out of the washroom with brushed hair and a damp face. He didn’t say anything to you as you moved around the bed, tucking the sheet and blanket in neatly under the pillows.   
You followed him to the wardrobe, taking his cowl and pants from the hangar you had put them on. He held his cape in his trembling fingers. You took it from him gently, holding his fingers in yours before bringing them up to your lips.  
You pressed the softest of kisses to his joints before letting his hand fall. You move away, setting his clothes on the bed before grabbing his boots and then his helmet that he had placed ceremoniously onto a podium of ashes.   
You heard him pulling on the dark clothes before you turned around. He had his pants on by the time you turned around, and when you had returned to his side, his shirt and cowl were pulled on. You sit beside him as he clasped his boots onto his feet. The buckles snapping against his fingers as they fell into place.   
Kylo barely looked at you when you set your lips onto his cheek, or when you told him that you loved him. He simply waited for the ritual to be over before he stood and wrapped his cape around his shoulders, his eyes catching yours for the briefest of moments as your fingers made sure the pins were in place to hold the cape.   
His face disappeared behind the mask by the time you looked back up. His eyes follow the small tilt of your lips before you stepped away from him, his cape hitting your legs as he passed you.   
You hear the door thud shut behind him as he left, and you found yourself alone for the umpteenth time that week.   
~  
When Kylo returned to your rooms, it was far into the night.   
You were resting on a chair in your bedroom, scrolling through news articles on your datapad. You unfurled yourself, setting the device down the moment he came into the room.   
He barely glanced at you as he removed his mask, letting it fall into the ashes haphazardly. You follow him with your eyes while you stood there, seeing him struggle to remove the pins that held the cape.  
You moved over to him carefully, pushing his fingers away to replace them with yours. You caught the cape before it fell to the ground.   
You look up at him, seeing the flushed cheeks and the red rimmed eyes. “Kylo?” You ask tentatively, seeing the storm brewing in his brown eyes.  
He caught your gaze for a short moment, barely seconds, before he turned dramatically. Had been wearing his cape, it would have hit you in the face.   
You watched, stunned, as he left the room, hearing a loud thud of something hitting a wall, followed by the usual sound of the door closing.   
You look at the cape in your hands, and then to the mask in the ashes. You think of his eyes, recognizing the battle he now waged internally.   
You drop the cape onto the bed, walking briskly out of your room and into the hallway. Your bare feet stung from the cold of the floor beneath you. You turned your head to the right, seeing his shadow extending from the other hallway.   
You broke out into a jog, your legs carrying you to where he was going. “Kylo.” You call as he turned another corner, his hair flowing behind him.  
You follow as closely as you can, hearing his footsteps end and the beginnings of the thuds and crashes. You approached carefully, finding his fist prepared behind him before coming with a loud crack as it hit against the metal wall.   
“Kylo.” You beg, tentatively stepping closer to him.   
His head whipped to face you, and he let out a hurt snarl. “You’re scared of me.” He hisses, seeing the look that covered your face. That was your downfall, you showed every emotion. You were an open book. He never had to say a work to you to know what you were feeling.  
His fist hits the wall again. “I’m not scared of you. I’m scared for you.” You correct, slowly walking closer. “You’re hurting yourself.”  
There was something in your voice, something he didn’t recognize. His eyes caught yours, his fist raised once more towards the wall.  
He watched you closely as you came into reach of him, your hand immediately darting out to grab his bloodied fist. “Kylo.” You mummer, holding his hand close to you. “I’m worried about you.”  
Those words, the words of compassion, had him crumpling in front of you.  
A low sob tore from his throat, the raspy sound echoing throughout the hall. You stared in shock as he hunched forward, his breathing becoming laboured as his shoulders shook.   
“How could you. You. Be worried about me.” I asked you, his voice cracking every few words.   
“Because I love you Kylo.” You say gently, stepping closer to cup his cheek in your palm.  
“I’m nothing but a monster.” He snaps, leaning closer to you. “A monster can’t be loved.”  
“It’s a good thing I do love you then.” You tell him, your fingers finding themselves against his hairline. “If it’s the only way I can prove to you that you’re not a monster.”  
Kylo closes his eyes, trying to force his tears away. “Let them fall Kylo.” You say, moving your hands to place them on his chest. “You’re allowed to cry.”  
“It’s a wea-”  
“It’s not a weakness. It’s an emotion.” You say to him. “You’re human, just like me. And you’re allowed to show when you’re hurting.”  
A small whimper comes from him, and your hands grab him quickly as his body collapses into yours, his knees hitting the ground loudly.   
You watch, eyes wide as his face buries into your hip, his arms wrapping around your thighs tightly as his body begins to shake with his sobs. You place your hands on his shoulders, rubbing soothing circles into his muscles.   
“What’s happened?” You ask softly, one hand tilting his face to look at you.   
“Everything.” He responds, tears running down his pale skin.  
“Come back to our room, tell me.” You tell him, giving him a small smile. “I’m here. I’ve always been here.”  
His dark, pain filled eyes met yours. You see his small nod, his shoulders still shaking slightly as he weakly gets to his feet. “We’ll be awake for a while.” He grumbles.  
“I’ll listen.” You repeat. “For as long as you need, I’ll listen.”

**Author's Note:**

> read more on my tumblr @rosalynbair


End file.
